RE-WIND: The Academy Failed Us By Snubbing the Two Most Meme-able Movies

Originally a mock article part of an editorial internship application submitted on January 31, 2020, made relevant again as another watershed moment in Internet iconology has left an impression on the meme landscape.....oh, and an election happened:

Oscar judges exhibited favoritism for quantitative meme-banks the likes of Joker and The Irishman over these quality A24 flick's schtick: Uncut Gems and The Lighthouse.

*SPOILERS ahead for the dankest scenes from Uncut Gems and The Lighthouse*

Furby chain necklaces, sea shanty dances and tin cup brandishes, Kevin Garnett on the big screen, and Adam Sandler flexes while Willem Dafoe screams.

This is the meme-worthy Oscar Red Carpet that could have been that the Academy denied us.

“If I had a steak…..I’d f*** it!” or “This is how I win.”

These are the nomination previews for supposed Oscar contenders - or at least they could have been - that have adapted to new lives in social media ecosystems following their debuts.

While Stevein Speilberg is still warming up to the idea of granting Netflix streamings membership into cinema secret societies, Martin Scorsese directs viewers through instructions on how best to watch his works (no double speed to make The Irishman an easy hour-forty-five). Academy members, specifically Alfred Molina because he is the only Academy member I know by heart, have made progress in diversifying their membership and the films they consider in recent years.

Yet Hollywood gatekeeping and studio bias still stands in the major film institutions.

A24 distributed films released in the final quarter of the calendar year are historically

well-received by critics and voters alike, such as Room, Moonlight, 20th Century Women, The Florida Project and Lady Bird. But none of these realiziational, serious films were incubators for meme potential.

To the snubbing of Roger Eggers’ The Lighthouse and the guerilla filmmakers Safdie Brothers’ Uncut Gems, I say:

"Hark, Triton, Hark!"

While The Lighthouse is only up for Best Cinematography, two of Willem Dafoe’s four Academy award acting nominations have occurred within the prior two years. And yet the isolationist period drama akin to Eggers' style brought forth some of the most manic, on-screen chemistry between Dafoe and co-star Robert Pattinson many viewers are too disturbed to admit to.

Sounds to me like Alfred Molina skipped his lobster and went straight for his steak.

Any brand worth its weight in clicks - from Wendy's [to the New Jersey twitter account] - eventually has to turn to the dank side. Dank memes that is. A24 Productions was unafraid to hop on the marketing bandwagon and flood their social media feeds with the most banger memes their staff could devise:

Vintage film and custom lighting and unique filters, the heart and soul of motion pictures, went into the making of The Lighthouse. So its nomination for Best Cinematography came as no total surprise, Jarin Blaschke having worked on every one of Eggers' professional films.

While Eggers' beastly projects tend to be rougher, slow-paced treks into literal darkness, this entirely other thing was sleak, constantly accelerating and as colorful as the prisms of crown jewels. Worthy of its title, a true Uncut Gem, Hollywood read the profile of Adam Sandler's performance and became too anxious to commit to swiping right on it!

Like a relationship blossoming from flirting to "love" all too soon, Josh and Benny Safdie knew how to ramp up the stakes, both in the film and through the talent they worked alongside. "Ain't no Punch-Drunk Love though!", does not have to be for Adam Sandler to get all serious. The man is rocking Ferragamo, even his style has range.

Howie Ratner is dripping fashion of all colors right off the silver-screen to the Red Carpet!

And what could be more threatening to film's establishment culture than a comedic actor, under young guerilla directors that are not Paul Thomas Anderson, subverting expectations of himself? Maybe promising to release an inversely, catastrophically bad movie if an acting nomination was not secured?

There is only so many stories in the world left to tell, with very few variations that escape borrowing from past renditions. If the Academy- again, it's just Spider-Man 2 character actor Alfred Molina- does measure films up by their meme potential, they are still looking at the same repetitive stories. They eat up tales of sufferings artists and clowns and Irish guy house painter-hitman-dudes. Where be the room they was supposed to save up for the neurotic Manhattan jewelers and mermaid-obsessed lighthouse wickies?

Yargh! They meme right on these movies and critics too.

These two films let loose a wave of influence across all cultural spectrums. Call me old-fashioned, but the boys and I have been considering applying to some lighthouse jobs. Sandler's portrayal of Howie is even convincing other fictional New Yorker types, such as megalomaniac George Costanza, to start investing towards their own transformations into auteurs.

Frustrated because the dictators of motion pictures did not enjoy my favorite visual heart attack as much as I did, I know I am not the only person who has these two words to say to Academy Award voters:

Okay, maybe just two more, for old meme's sake: